The annoying Social Leprosy top 10 signs
The main difference between a social leper and a person with actual leprosy is that the social leper doesn’t realize they’re disgusting. When real lepers’ ears start falling off, they gracefully retreat to an Island of Dr. Moreau-type place. However, a social leper will often flaunt the possession that makes him so distasteful. Sadly, victims of social leprosy think their compulsive need to collect Japanese swords will impress women.
Here are 10 signs that a person is suffering from social leprosy. If you own any of these items, don’t question it, just get ride of them. This is your intervention.
No.10 – Eccentric pets
Ferrets, iguanas, rabbits, boa constrictors, macaws, kinkajou, and pretty much anything else that’s not a manly dog (even a cat) all scream “burn-out stoner,” “weird man-child,” or “effeminate eccentric.” None of which are appealing at a party (unless you have great pot). Just because your animal is interesting doesn’t mean you become so by proximity. People will approach you on the boardwalk to pet your spider monkey, but they’d never go home with you, because you’re obviously showing signs of social leprosy. A weird pet is a sure sign of a foul-smelling place with ‘70s furniture.
No.9 – Japanese swords
You’re not Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, so why is a sword hanging over your bed like you’re waiting for a one-eyed Darryl Hannah to kick down the door? There is nothing wrong with knowing the history of Japan or warfare. While those are great things to geek out about over beers with your buddies, a Japanese sword collection on the wall tells women that you may start swinging nunchucks. Nunchucks are for ninja assassins, children and those who suffer from social leprosy. If you want to incorporate some ancient Asian culture at your place, buy a silk robe to give your guest when she spends the night.
No.8 – Venus flytrap
Any plant that takes this much work should get you high. It doesn’t make a man look nurturing; it makes a man look like he plays with flies. Grow something that looks pretty and that may cover up that smell from the dirty laundry pile that hasn’t made it to the washer and dryer. Just remember that Rick Moranis had a Venus flytrap in The Little Shop of Horrors and see where he ended up… in a cheesy musical.
No.7 – Renaissance outfits
People who dress in garb from another century and speak with a clunky British affectation are hiding from something in their normal lives. That something is most likely a studio apartment with a cat named Grimwald. The Renaissance wasn’t all that enlightened considering the lack of bathing, dentistry, deodorant, and body-hair-trimming accessories. Unfortunately, too many Renaissance lovers stay true to those details. Before casting away the shackles of our future world, remember our advances: Vodka Red Bulls, burritos and internet pornography — all of which are more socially acceptable than puffy pantaloons.
No.6 – “Bold” hair statements
Braided ponytails, faux hawks, emo cuts with long bangs, and dreadlocks on white guys all fall into the same clueless social-leprosy category. Guys sporting these hair styles are all way too late in abandoning a trend that never should have happened. Except the white guys with dreadlocks; that was never stylish, just delusional. Faux hawks and emo cuts belong on faux-angry teen bands that the public has already forgotten. Braided ponytails should only be on members of Grateful Dead cover bands, women going to the gym or young girls. And white guys with dreadlocks… if you’re not Rastafarian, don’t even bother.
No.5 – Video game chairs
Video games are a great thing, but if you need a special chair for gaming, you’re spending way too much time alone. Putting on the headset for Gears of War doesn’t count as socializing. If having a video game chair is an absolute must, hide it in the closet on the off chance a woman might come over. While spontaneous sex in a chair is sexy, no man has ever been sexed in a video game chair.
No.4 – Bluetooth headsets
No person’s time is so valuable that they can’t waste the one second it takes to bring their phone from their pocket up to their ear. There is no reason a Bluetooth headset should be worn outside of the driver’s seat (safety first). Even wearing one around the office projects the “douche bag who fills the void in his soul by working too much and buying a cheesy sports car” vibe. People shouldn’t always be able to get a hold of you. It projects mystery. Think Don Draper.
No.3 – Rasta tapestries
Two types people hang tapestries from their walls: college students and pot dealers — and you don’t want to talk to people from either of these groups. They think they have the “whole world figured out” and it’s all a conspiracy. They think they’re the first to “really hear Bob Marley.” Somehow, their wisdom doesn’t extend to home decoration. Hanging a tapestry with a pot leaf on it or the phrase “Feelin’ Irie” is unforgivable past 19 years old.
No.2 – Anything “Magic”
Owning any role-playing game like Magic: The Gathering, Dungeons and Dragons or World of Warcraft tells people the same thing as dressing Renaissance: You want to be someone else. Not just a celebrity or a rich man, but a wizard, knight or troll. If you don’t even want to be around yourself, why would anyone else? Store-bought magic tricks fall in here as well. It tells a girl that you know you have nothing interesting to say, so you tell her to “pick a card, any card.”
No.1 – Hobby display units
A better term for these hobbies is toys. Comic books in plastic sleeves, Star Wars figurines in glass cabinets, baseball cards in wooden frames, Beanie Babies lining a counter — the list goes on. We don’t care how much it’s worth in its original packaging; that’s no reason to display it on the wall. Sell it and buy a nice car. That will yield greater, more tangible rewards. Or be an adult and lose your money in the stock market like everyone else.